It may be hard, but it’ll be better for them in the long run. Encourage independence and encourage them to get professional help for their condition. For example, this might look like constantly paying off the other person’s debts or irresponsible spending habits. Other experts label the stages as innocent enabling and desperate enabling.

What are the common traits of enablers?

Over time you become angrier and more frustrated with her and with yourself for not being able to say no. This resentment slowly creeps into your interactions with her kids. Your teen spends hours each night playing video games instead of taking care of their responsibilities. You fill your evenings with their laundry, cleaning, and other chores to ensure they’ll have something to wear and a clean shower to use in the morning. You may choose to believe them or agree without really believing them.

Making excuses

When a pattern of enabling characterizes a relationship, it’s fairly common for resentment, or feelings of anger and disappointment, to develop. But you don’t follow through, so your loved one continues doing what they’re doing and learns these are empty threats. You might tell yourself this behavior isn’t so bad or convince yourself they wouldn’t do those things if not for addiction. Whether your loved one continues to drink to the point of blacking out or regularly takes money out of your wallet, your first instinct might be to confront them.

Sometimes it may mean lending a financial hand to those you love. However, if you find yourself constantly covering their deficit, you might be engaging in enabling behaviors. A sign of enabling behavior is to put someone else’s needs before yours, particularly if the other person isn’t actively contributing to the relationship. You might put yourself under duress by doing some of these things you feel are helping your loved one.

However, it is often because they think that things will get worse if they aren’t there for their loved ones in the way they think they need them. Enabling can look like being a cover up for others, helping them avoid taking responsibility for their own actions, or feeling too nervous to set boundaries. It’s difficult to work through addiction or alcohol misuse alone.

Helpers encourage progress, while enablers often maintain the status quo. If you or your loved one crosses a boundary you’ve expressed and there are no consequences, they might keep crossing that boundary. If you state a consequence, it’s important to follow through. Not following through lets your loved one know nothing will happen when they keep doing the same thing. This can make it more likely they’ll continue to behave in the same way and keep taking advantage of your help.

• They can also help you learn ways to empower, rather than enable, your loved one.
• These psychological traits often drive individuals to engage in enabling behaviors.
• In fact, many people who enable others don’t even realize what they’re doing.
• A person handles an enabler by first recognizing the signs of enabling in the relationship.

Avoiding conflict

They may focus their time and energy on covering those areas where their loved one may be underperforming. Enablers, even if well-intentioned, allow a person to continue destructive behaviors. Sandstone Care is here to help you learn how to set the right boundaries with your loved ones to help them recover from substance use and mental health issues.

You might feel hurt and angry about spending so much time trying to help someone who doesn’t seem to appreciate you. You may feel obligated to continue helping even when you don’t want to. Financially enabling a loved one can have particularly damaging consequences if they struggle with addiction or alcohol misuse. If you’re concerned you might be enabling someone’s behavior, read on to learn more about enabling, including signs, how to stop, and how to provide support to your loved one. This term can be stigmatizing since there’s often negative judgment attached to it. However, many people who enable others don’t do so intentionally.

• This not only allows the harmful behavior to continue but also creates stress, guilt, and resentment for the parent, trapping both in an unhealthy cycle.
• But avoiding discussion prevents you from bringing attention to the problem and helping your loved one address it in a healthy, positive way.
• There’s nothing wrong with helping others from time to time.
• This often happens out of a desire to help or protect close relationships, but it actually ends up preventing the person from facing the consequences of their actions or taking responsibility.

Sacrificing or struggling to recognize your own needs

They say they haven’t been drinking, but you find a receipt in the bathroom trash for a liquor store one night. The next night you find a receipt for a bar in your neighborhood. Instead of asking them about the receipts, you decide not to press the issue.

How to Help an Alcoholic Child

While parents should protect their children, overprotective parenting is excessive and often shields the child from learning from experiences and important life lessons. With codependency, a person relies on the other person for support in essentially all aspects of their life, especially emotionally. With financial dependency, a person might provide excessive support for another person, causing them to not face the full consequences of their actions. In the desperate stage of enabling, the enabler is primarily motivated by fear. In the innocent enabling stage, a person starts with love and concern for the other person, but they don’t know how to guide or help them.

Signs You May Be Enabling Someone (Enabling Behaviors)

Sometimes, enablers don’t realize that they aren’t helping the other person and are allowing destructive or unhealthy behaviors to continue. It’s important to directly address an enabler’s harmful behavior and how they contribute to addiction. Providing specific examples of the negative impact on the addict helps highlight the harmful consequences. Clear communication that avoids blaming often encourages a shift towards more supportive behavior. Once enablers realize how their actions perpetuate addiction, they are often willing to change and become a positive influence. A person handles an enabler by first recognizing the signs of enabling in the relationship.

Recovery Programs

But your actions can give your loved one the message that there’s nothing wrong with their behavior — that you’ll keep covering for them. You might avoid talking about it because you’re afraid of acknowledging the problem. You or your loved one may not have accepted there’s a problem. You might even be afraid of what your loved one will say or do if you challenge the behavior. The following signs can help enabling behavior definition you recognize when a pattern of enabling behavior may have developed.